如何培養真正的“感恩之心”

新年來臨之前，表示感謝開始讓人感覺像是應付公事，而不是真心的行為。加州大學洛杉磯分校戴維·格芬醫學院的精神病學副教授、《家長的權限》 （Permission to Parent）一書的作者羅賓·伯曼醫學博士表示：“人通常在安靜的時刻才會產生感恩，而不是在為一大堆待辦事項忙碌不堪的時候?！?。事實上，節日季的高潮并不是優先考慮感恩的最佳時機。

那么，我們如何去真誠地迎接嶄新一年的到來呢？以下十位專家將為我們提供幫助——

如何改變思維 ?

別當成大事來處理。

準備在感恩節表達感激，方式很簡單也很微妙。洛杉磯以賽亞圣殿（Temple Isaiah）的教士約耳?尼克森表示：“在希伯來語中，感恩的意思是‘hakarat hatov’，字面翻譯是‘發現美好’。它的意思并不是尋找生命中新的積極的方面，而是讓你從身邊發現值得去感恩的事物?！辈恢故悄切┖甏蟮?、明顯的事物，例如身體健康或加薪升職等，也包括許許多多的小事?！赌鐞鄣姆疵妗罚═he Opposite of Spoiled）一書的作者、《紐約時報》（New York Times）專欄作家羅恩?利伯說道：“我在芝加哥萊格里維爾長大，從來都沒有一個有保證的車位。大約12年前，我在布魯克林買下了一個車位。這是我和妻子為自己購買的最奢侈的商品之一。但每次我把車停在第18號停車位時，我都會在內心對自己說出我的感激之情，而且經常會大聲地說出來?！闭业缴磉叺男∈挛?，然后大聲地表達自己的感激之情。

但也不要讓它變成日?，嵤?。

加州大學伯克利分校（University of California, Berkeley）至善科學中心（Greater Good Science Center）的高級研究員、《加州大學伯克利分校的10堂幸福教養課》（Raising Happiness）一書的作者克里斯汀?卡特博士表示：“同一件事，主動去做和被迫去做是有區別的。雖然聽起來兩者的區別微乎其微，但實際上卻有天壤之別。從心理學的角度，當大腦認為你被迫去做某件事情時，它會更容易產生逆反。只有大腦感覺你是主動去做某件事情，這才是真正的發自內心?！?

重新組織感謝的話。

南方滑稽演員、《為餡餅留出空間》 （Save Room for Pie）一書的作者小羅伊?布勞恩特說道：“我們被要求經常說‘謝謝’，我認為這是禮節性的感謝。例如，坐飛機去某個地方，你會對出租車司機和售票員說謝謝，在抵達目的地之前，你大約還需要說九次謝謝。這種迫不得已的重復，會讓我們對真誠的感謝變得陌生?！毕乱淮握f“謝謝”時嘗試這種變化： 想想成本與效益。紐約亨普斯特德的霍夫斯特拉大學（Hofstra University）的心理學副教授、《讓孩子學會感恩》 （Making Grateful Kids）一書的作者之一杰弗瑞?J?弗羅博士說道：“想想一個人為你付出的成本——不止是他們為你做任何事情所花的金錢，還有為此付出的時間和精力，再思考一下自己真正獲得的好處。想想別人每天的善行，會讓你更心存感激?！?

嘗試從哲學的角度考慮問題。

加州大學戴維斯分校（University of California, Davis）的心理學教授羅伯特?埃蒙斯博士認為：“所有人生命的開始都要依靠他人，多數人生命的終結也要依靠他人。我們無法創造或塑造自己。沒有人是憑空誕生的。人生就是付出、接受和報答。我們應該有感恩的心。如果我們選擇忽視這個事實，就會偏離人生的軌道。只要清楚這個事實，便足以激勵一個人用更加感恩的心態去對待人生?！?

寬以待人。

利伯表示：“對于那些嘗試公開表達感謝的人，盡量不要過于苛刻。有些人可能只是認為，這種公開性質的行為是迫使他們對自己的行為負責的一種力量，對他們是有效的。如果他們不在最開始時宣告將在30天內堅持感恩，他們可能無法成功?！比绻惆l現自己對社交媒體上的那些話題和宣傳活動變得越來越憤世嫉俗，不妨在11月份屏蔽這些人，或者暫時離開社交媒體。

看在上帝的份上，請遠離Pinterest。

如果你要努力完成一項異常煞費苦心/精心設計/復雜的活動，你便很難對日常生活中的小事物產生感恩之心。伯曼表示：“你的生活節奏越慢，你就會有越多可以感恩的空間。而這種感恩的心態會增加大腦中的血清素和多巴胺，進而緩解壓力?！辈寤ㄊ悄愕奶亻L？太好了?。ǜ兄x鋒利的剪子和寬口花瓶。）如果不是，別再滾動屏幕了，堅持自己的特長。芝加哥A Perfect Event公司的老板、活動策劃黛比?莉莉說道：“設置好后便不要再去管它。選擇一份不會成為負擔的菜單和詳細內容?！?

給予口頭上的支持。

伯曼說道，當孩子為你做了一些好事時，“可以從口頭上為他們‘擊掌歡呼’?！比绻⒆痈兄x你做的晚餐或者感謝你開車送他去某個地方，你可以說：“謝謝你跟我說‘謝謝’。你能這樣做真是太好了！”伯曼建議，時刻以身作則，給孩子樹立榜樣。 “你希望孩子聽到你對愛人說：‘開車辛苦了，謝謝，親愛的?！皇恰汩_得真慢。我們要遲到了?！?

采取實實在在的方式。

埃蒙斯表示：“刺激成年人產生感恩之心的抽象思維練習，并不適合青少年。你需要用直觀的教具?！痹谝淮髲埣埳袭嬕豢脴?，把它粘在墻上，孩子每天有一件需要感恩的事情，便在上面貼一片便利貼“樹葉”。在孩子的午餐盒上貼一張便條：“感謝學校的休息時間！”對于年齡較大的孩子，發短信提醒他們珍惜自己的幸福，或者告訴他們你對他們的感激。理想情況下，你可以在任何月份進行這些練習，不過11月份是培養這些習慣的理想時機。

專注于“四大”。

如果向孩子灌輸感恩之心的想法，讓你不知所措，可以從下面的“四大”開始： 教育、家庭、健康與庇護?？梢钥紤]在11月份，每周專注于一個方面（或者每周拿出一個晚上）。你可以問下面的問題。（在學校里，讓你感恩的事情是什么？家中有哪些事情讓你感到安全和幸福？你本周用身體做過哪些事情，讓你充滿感恩？）或者你可以更加深入。例如，伯曼表示：“利用‘家庭’，讓孩子知道他們的曾祖父曾參加過二戰，或者曾讓一位猶太人藏在在地下室里，或者曾在鐵路工作。讓他們知道他們是血脈相連的?！?

在日歷上標出一些特殊的日期。

未來很遙遠。別把感恩節看作是新年的慈善捐贈計劃。對于你的家人來說，發誓每周一次甚至每月一次參加志愿者活動，可能不太現實。你應該找到一些容易實現的方式，例如看望輔助生活中心里的長輩，或給外地的朋友打電話等。 (財富中文網)

譯者：劉進龍/汪皓

Giving thanks can start to feel like a command performance rather than a genuine act. “Gratitude happens in quiet pauses and moments, not when you have a giant to-do list and you’re racing around,”says Robin Berman, M.D., an associate professor of psychiatry at the David Geffen School of Medicine at UCLA and the author of Permission to Parent. In fact, peak holiday season may not even be the best time to make it a priority. So how do you embrace the season sincerely? Ten experts are here to help. Let’s do this.

How to Shift Your Thinking ？?

Don’t make it a Big Thing.

Gearing up for gratitude in anticipation of Thanksgiving can be simple and subtle. “In Hebrew, the term for gratitude is hakarat hatov, and the literal translation is ‘recognizing the good,’” says Rabbi Joel Nickerson of Temple Isaiah, in Los Angeles. “It’s not about finding new forms of positivity in life, but rather about reorienting yourself around the things that you should already be grateful for.” And not just the big, obvious ones—good health or a job promotion—but small things, too. “Growing up in Wrigleyville, in Chicago, I never had guaranteed parking,” says Ron Lieber, the author of The Opposite of Spoiled and a columnist for the New York Times. “About 12 years ago, I bought a parking spot in Brooklyn. It was one of the most extravagant things my wife and I have ever bought ourselves. But every time I pull in to spot 18, I always say to myself internally—and often out loud—how grateful I am.” Look for the little things and say thanks out loud.

But don’t make it a chore.

“There is a line between choosing to and having to do something,” says Christine Carter, Ph.D., a senior fellow at the Greater Good Science Center, at the University of California, Berkeley, and the author of Raising Happiness. “It sounds like a small distinction, but it’s enormous. From a psychological perspective, when your brain thinks you have to do something, it will be more likely to resist. Only when you feel like you are choosing to do something can it be authentic,” she says.

Reframe your thank-yous.

“We are required to say ‘thank you’ a lot, which I think of as ritual gratitude,” says Roy Blount Jr., a southern humorist and the author of Save Room for Pie. “When you fly somewhere, for example, you say ‘thank you’ to the cab driver and to the guy at the ticket counter and about nine more times before you get to where you’re going. That required repetition can cause us to lose touch with sincere thanks.” Make this change the next time you say “thank you”: Think about cost and benefit. “Notice the person’s cost—not just money they may have spent to do something for you but also the time and energy it took—as well as the true benefit to you,” says Jeffrey J. Froh, Psy.D., an associate professor of psychology at Hofstra University, in Hempstead, New York, and a coauthor of Making Grateful Kids. “Thinking about everyday kindnesses like that will make you way more grateful.”

Get philosophical for a minute.

“We all begin life dependent on others, and most of us end life dependent on others. We did not create or fashion ourselves. We did not birth ourselves,” says Robert Emmons, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of California, Davis. “Life is about giving, receiving, and repaying. We are called to gratitude. If we choose to ignore this truth, we steer ourselves off course. Just knowing this is usually enough to inspire a more grateful outlook on life.”

Cut others some slack.

“Try not to be so hard on people who are practicing public acts of gratitude,” says Lieber. “Some of them probably feel like the public nature works for them as a way to sort of force themselves to be accountable. If they don’t declare at the beginning of the 30 days that they are doing their 30 days of thanks, they may not get it done.” If you find yourself growing cynical about hashtags and campaigns, hide those people for the month of November or take a break from social media.

And for the love of Pete, stay off Pinterest.

It’s hard to feel grateful for the small, everyday things if you are trying to pull off an uncharacteristically elaborate/crafty/complicated event. “The more you can slow things down, the more space you have to be grateful. And that gratitude then increases serotonin and dopamine in the brain, reducing stress,” says Berman. Is floral arranging your gift? Wonderful! (Be grateful for sharp shears and wide-mouth vases.) If not, stop scrolling and stick to your strengths. “Set it and forget it. Choose a menu and details that won’t be a burden,” says event planner Debi Lilly, the owner of A Perfect Event, in Chicago.

Give verbal high fives.

When your children do something nice for you, “verbally high-five them,” says Berman. If your child thanks you for dinner or for driving him somewhere, make a point to say, “Thank you so much for saying ‘thank you.’ That’s really nice of you!” And model that type of language as much as you can, says Berman. “You want your children to hear, “Thanks for driving, honey,” to your partner, not ‘You’re driving so slow. We’re going to be late.’”

Be concrete.

“Abstract-thinking exercises that stimulate gratitude in adults will not work with young children,” says Emmons. “You need visual aids.” Draw a tree on a large piece of paper, tape it to the wall, and let kids add a Post-it note “leaf” of one thing that they are grateful for each day. Put a note in your child’s lunch box that reads, “Be thankful for recess!” For older kids, text them reminders to count their blessings, or say how grateful you are for them. Ideally, these would be any-month practices, but November is a good time to start making them a habit.

Focus on the Big Four.

If the idea of instilling gratitude in your kids feels overwhelming, start with the Big Four: education, family, health, and shelter. Consider addressing one each week (or simply one night of each week) during the month. You can ask questions. (What are you thankful for at school? What about home makes you feel safe and happy? What did you use your body for this week that you can be grateful for?) Or you can go deeper. For example, says Berman, “use ‘family’ as an opportunity to let your children know that their great-grandfather fought in World War II or hid a Jewish person in a basement or worked on a railroad. Their lives are linked.”

Put some dates on the calendar.

Waaay in the future. Don’t think of Thanksgiving as the New Year’s resolution of charitable giving. Vowing to volunteer once a week or even once a month may not be realistic for your family. Instead, think of ways in which you can easily give back, whether it’s visiting an elderly relative in an assisted-living center or simply calling an out-of-town friend.